mendung hujan 

pergi dan tinggalkan redup siang 
yang melindungi aku

dari terik yang mengasari tubuhku

terebah sudah gusar kau tundukkan

gah ombak

menghakis desir pantai

taruh wajah seluruh senja

ikutkan naluri baik ku biar saja

terbalas sudah seru sujud malamku

I should blame Naruto for this. Everything about him is a lie. Where on earth would you find a kind, loving, insanely positive, and purehearted guy like him? Orang macam ni wujud dalam komik sahaje rasanye. I think, what i envy the most about him is how much he values friendship. And i want his friends too. Sobsobb

Tau tak, belajar master ni lonely sangat. Maybe tak semua orang rasa macam ni. Tapi kalau nak compare dengan masa degree, you'll feel the difference. Semua benda buat sorang-sorang, agak sedih. Tapi cmon, kena strong! Independent! Ugh..its easier said than done. Lebih-lebih lagi masa tengah stress, lepas tu tak ada tempat nak release. Boleh jadi down kalau tak kuat semangat.

Desperate for attention

Ada masa-masa aku macam ni jugak. Bukan nak perhatian orang tersayang (you know what i mean) tapi nak perhatian keluarga, kawan-kawan. Kalau dengan keluarga mungkin lagi senang bila nak bandingkan dengan nak dapat perhatian kawan-kawan. Sebab kawan ni tak sama macam family. Family ni kalau marah, kalau tak suka apa dia buat pun, tak tahan lama. Nanti elok balik, sayang balik. Perasaan ambil berat sesama keluarga ni tak sama macam kawan-kawan. Kawan-kawan kita tak boleh mintak attention, tapi attention diberi oleh kawan-kawan yang betul-betul kisahkan kita, yang betul-betul sayangkan kita.

Aku bukannya jenis kawan yang contact hari-hari, yang cerita semua benda. Aku jenis yang 'when you need me, i'll be there no question asked.' And most of the time, aku value friendship lebih dari org lain value friendship tu. So its kinda hard. But i'm working on it. Aku rasa aku kena tone down perasaan caring ni, kena limitkan kot.  Supaya aku tak mudah rasa tersinggung. Senang sangat taching ni merimaskan kot. Aku sendiri pun rimas.

Oh my..its amazing how an idea can lead to, well, this. All this hatred and argument without reasons, i hate it. But this is us. Not necessarily "us" us but us, community around the world. You get what i mean? Huhu..Some people might say things like, "orang melayu memang macam tu" "orang malaysia memang macam ni" but i think everyone around the world is "macam tu" and "macam ni". I guess its the nature of any society; to focus on small issues rather than the bigger picture. Because smaller issues are easier to understand, hence easier to have an opinion, hence easier to argue with people. Okay too much hence. But serious though, its always the little things that made us fight. 

When i first knew about this event i was kinda shock. But after reading more i realized that there are few ustaz on ground to teach people and educate about how to sertu, samak and all, so i thought, well maybe its a good thing. But the next day, the next day was even more shocking. Reading the post and comments about the event is what broke my heart the most.

To make things clear, i am not 100% agree with what they did. I mean, c'mon, do you really have to hug and kiss them? Then posting the pictures on facebook, like you don't know how sensitive the issue is. Have some respect for people who have strong believes about this. Of course they'll feel like you're mocking at what they believed in. You would too.

I think the organizer had a good idea but they didn't execute it well enough. Things like this, its either you do it perfectly or not do it at all. Its that critical. 

"Mula-mula touch a dog lepas tu apa? Touch a pig pula?"

Now this, this is what i think is the most ridiculously unfair statement ever. Its like you want people to fight. Those people who organized the event are muslims too, they have feelings too. To assume their effort to spread awareness will lead to "Touch a pig event" is too much. Its hurtful, don't you realize it? If you're scared this might lead to event like "touch a pig" then take precautions. Make sure things like that wont happen, make rules or regulations. We can do that you know. Not judging people and accuse them of doing things that are not even happening yet.

I don't agree with all the hugs and kisses too but i don't hate them. I just think what they did exceeds our limitations as a muslim. I think these people don't know what the limit is because looking at pictures, most of them wears hijab and all. Theres even a few makcik wearing tudung labuh, i don't think they'll do it if they knew they can't. So enough with this hatred, forgive them already. 

Or maybe they have different sets of beliefs than us. We do have different mazhab and not everything is black and white, they are few grey areas. So instead of assuming they're stupid, how bout assuming they know more about the different opinions of different muslim scholars than you? See..its possible that you're wrong. So say nice things ok. 

There are lots of websites you can read. Don't read opinion, read blogs that have clear references that you can recheck. If easier, read fatwa from Jais or Jakim. But their statement are usually straight to the point. I mean the explanations are short and brief. I found these blogs here which i think is good.

http://fikrahseorangpemuda.blogspot.com/2013/08/anjing-menurut-islam.html

http://www.hafizfirdaus.com/ebook/HimpunanRisalah-3/Tajuk%209.htm

Or you know, read from facebook page of ustaz and ulama. But but, remember that we don't follow what the ustaz or ulama says, we follow Al-Quran and Sunnah. They're just sharing their knowledge and they are not free from making mistakes. So read more than 1 ulama or ustaz ok. Read more and stay positive. Thats what mature people do. Ahah :)

Semalam dengan harini agak menyedihkan. First of all, my plan to fly to KL jumaat lepas dah terkubur, atas kesalahan dan ke-ngek-an diri sendiri. I thought sempat naik flight tapi haish, terlepass. Dan sebab aku dah janji (sort of) dengan kawan aku nak teman dia pergi Penang (wedding kawan matrik) aku pun naik bas ke KL. I was so frustrated when i missed the flight, rasa berat hati nak naik bas tapi sebab tak sampai hati nak kensel last minit, ku gagahi jua. Lagipun, keadaan sekrang pun da menyedihkan. Daripada plan nak ber-4 jadi ber-2 sahaje. I didn't have the heart to cancel too.

I called my friend and ask her, komfem tak kita jadi pergi Penang esok sebab tengok fb status macam tak sihat. After getting "Inshaallah jadi." i went to sri puteri. Masa tu rasa malas dah nak balik KL so aku msg kawan aku tu, bagitau yang kalau ade possibility kita tak jadi pergi aku taknak balik sebab nak join event Run kat UTM. But i didn't get the reply. Selepas berfikir, i thought, well..a promise is a promise. Kalau lambat buat decision nak naik bas, lagi lambat sampai, lagi penat nak sambung perjalanan esoknya, so...berlandaskan "Inshaallah jadi" aku pun naik lah bas.So daripada plan asal sampai KL pukul 8 lebih, tapi dengan sedihnya pukul 12 baru sampai TBS.

The bad luck

The bad luck is, sambil atas bas (ke dekat TBS dah, tak sure) saya mendapat msg bahawasanya kami tidak jadi ke Penang, kerana kawan saya sakit dan ibunya tidak memberi kebenaran untuk drive ke sana. Frust sikit. But hey, at least i got to join the Run event. Sebab kawan kelas yang kerja kat KL pun nak join, so i thought, hey mini reunion! YAY! 

Alang-alang dah sampai KL, aku balik rumah jumpa family kejap, mintak kebenaran nak balik Skudai balik. Sebab minggu depan nak balik cuti Raya Haji, plus ada kerja nak buat so lebih awal balik lebih bagus. Boleh tumpang kawan kelas yang kerja KL tu. So lepas magrib kitorang gerak dan sampai dalam pukul 12 tengah malam. I was so freaking tired so i didn't join them for supper.

Dulu kitorang budak master ni ber-4, tapi sorang dah habis study. Tapi semalam dia datang tido sini sebab nak join event esok. Tido bilik kawan. Thinking that it might be hard to wake up the next morning, i join the sleepover. Lagipun nak melepak jugak. 

The 2nd Bad Luck

The next morning, aku tak bangun pun. Frust. Kawan yang tido satu bilik tu tak kejut aku sebab tak sampai hati nak kacau aku tido. Masa otw nak balik skudai aku dah bagitau nak join event esok, tapi aku tak bagitau membe yang tido sebilik tu pun. Aku bagitau member lain. So i guess its my bad. Tengah hari baru bangun, event dah habis. Frust. Tapi kitorang dapat jugak la lepak, makan tengah hari sama-sama lepas tu singgah PC Fair, singgah Kacang Pool then balik.

The 3rd Bad Luck (Like i didn't get enough)

I really wanna hang out with the girls tonight. Diorang kata ada kawan ajak karok malam ni so i thought ok..maybe boleh makan sekali before karok tu. But when i asked when they wanna go out, they say about 7 something. Kalau macam tu memang tak dapat la nak makan sama. They have a group here, ada kelab yang diorang join since first year and i'm not one of the members. Diorang memang close gila, selalu keluar sama and all. I wanna join karok too but you know, orang tak ajak takkan tiba-tiba nak ikut. Aku pun bukan member kelab tu, tak kenal orang sangat. At least wait for them to ask dulu. Takot diorang memang taknak aku ikut sebab tak cukup space ke, nak lepak dengan budak kelab je ke. Mana lah tau. So i just wait.

Long story short, there's a bit of miscommunication and i ended up staying in my room alone while they're out. They want me to follow them but they thought i already knew it and thought that i don't wanna come. Frust.

These 2 days, man..i am freakinly tired. I took the bus, i took the ride for nothing. Frustrated, so frustrated. Penat gila dan sedih gila kot. I wanna be with my friends but i didn't get that. I could spend more time with my family but i chose not to. Bad bad luck. Well, i just have to let this feeling out and i'll be fine. Plus, minggu depan balik rumah! Wee~~

dibalik mendung terlindung rahsia

teduhi jiwa yang menanggung derita

walaupun punah harapan tersisa

yang terahsia itu sebenarnya bahagia

hujan pun turun basahi bumi

terhanyut lah semua perit dihati

yang tertulis usah lagi disangsi

cinta sejati tak akan mungkiri janji.

Close your eyes

feel the light

the warmth of love inside of you.

Hold on tight

let the rain decide

draining fears out of you.

Shadows will always linger

they lurk beneath the faith you quiver.

Look deep into the heart of a believer

hope and faith will make you stronger.

I've been swallowing this feeling for quite a while. My car broke down. And because i drive an old BMW, the cost to repair...fuuhhh its too much to bear. Plus i'm not working, i'm a full time student. I don't have money. I do have some, thank god i applied for MARA loan, but its not enough. And now i don't have money to pay for the tuition fee. 

First time it broke was while i was out, I parked and waited for Wak inside the car and suddenly smokes came out from the hood and the car died. Can you imagine how i felt? Scary. But i'm glad it didn't happened while i'm driving. And thankfully i didn't happened while i was driving back to K.L. So it ok, i'm not emotional or stressed out, i'm just a bit shocked. It turns out the radiator leaked. Total repair cost, RM500.

Second time was while i was out grocery shopping. I was stopping at traffic light and suddenly the car just died. Making things worst, the traffic was a bit heavy that day. So other cars keep honking and my friend and i..we panicked. It was a horrible experience but we managed to laugh it off. 2 car stopped and help us get the car out of the way. I'm glad it happened while we're stopping at traffic light. At least the car behind us was slow and we didn't cause any accident. This time, the total cost was RM1500. But thats ok, i'm cool. Being positive as always. Then suddenly the radio can't work. Now i'm a bit frustrated. It was out from the workshop for just a few days and the radio can't work? A bit stressed out but still ok.


The third time happened while i was picking up Wak from his house, we're going to have dinner. I parked and waited outside the house then suddenly the car died. I try to relax and keep a positive mind. I'm ok but not so ok. You know..i'm tired and i don't have money. I don't want to ask money from my parents cause they've given me too much already. They paid for all the saman, and the roadtax..i don't have the heart to ask for more. But i have too. I cashed out some money from my account and i'm left with RM100. Thankfully my mom banked in some money into my account but i'm sad because if it wasn't because of my family, all i have left is RM100 to spend this month. *sigh*




I'm feeling down right now but i'll be fine. Thankfully i have good friendship here and i have a hero to save me, always. I don't know what i'll do without him. So the moral of the story: things can always be worse, you can't survive living by being alone, and don't spend too much time worrying, act.

Aku percaya sains dan agama tak sepatutnya diasingkan. Well, semua benda lah tak patut diasingkan dan dipisahkan daripada agama. Sebab? Sebab manusia ni ada batas pemikiran. Ada banyak gila benda yang kita tak dapat buktikan, tak dapat selesaikan. Fizik bukan semuanya fakta..kebanyakannya teori, kan? Manusia ni boleh dipisahkan kepada pelbagai golongan. For this case, let say that manusia ni terbahagi kepada 3. Yang hanya percayakan scientifically proven facts, 2nd yang berserah segala-galanya pada agama tanpa buat kajian untuk sokongan, dan ke-3 yang berjaya faham kebergantungan kedua-duanya. Which one are you?

This is history all over again. Sains dipisahkan daripada agama sebab kelemahan manusia. Angkuh, tak nak toleransi dan takut pada perubahan. Padahal sains dan agama tak salah. Ni lah yang menakutkan, bila orang bijak pandai lupa yang mustahil seseorang manusia ni untuk bijak pandai dalam segala-galanya, bila manusia gagal untuk sedar kelemahan masing-masing. Padahal kita semua ni berbeza-beza supaya kita saling bergantung antara satu sama lain. Bukannya pin point kelemahan masing-masing dan jadikannya bahan untuk berbalah. 

Positive

Ingat senang nak jadi positive? Ada satu sifat dalam diri kita ni yang mana kita sentiasa nak jadi lebih baik dari orang lain. Bila kita tak mampu untuk jadi yang terbaik, kita mula fokus pada kelemahan dan keburukan orang lain untuk rasa bagus. Takpe lah, natural. Masa dan pengalaman mematangkan kita dan mungkin perasaan tu akan pudar sedikit demi sedikit.

Kalau betul nak jadi positive, kena selalu ingatkan diri sendiri tentang kesempurnaan. Kesempurnaan tak wujud dalam manusia biasa macam kita ni. Sempurna tu bukan hak kita, manusia terpilih je yang dapat privilege tu. Sentiasa ingatkan diri sendiri yang semua orang punya kelemahan masing-masing dan sentiasa syak kelemahan kita lebih teruk dari orang lain. Supaya kita sedar diri dan cuba memahami tindak tanduk orang lain.

Action and reaction.

Newton's third law of motion; for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction. No i'm not trying to physic things up because it is not my field. Aku cuma suka statement tu, sebab boleh apply kat mana-mana. Imagine having to choose between two sides, and you've made your decision. Whenever you try to argue about something, remember that the same argument is happening on the other side, only difference is that the basis of the argument is contrary to yours. You get what i mean? Man i suck at explaining, huuu.

What i'm trying to say is, we have an invisible mirror in front of us. Mimicking everything that we do, that we think, and feel. There is always a different side of the story, always a different perspective to look at things. When you hate something for a reason that you think is logic, there is someone who feel the other way around, the exact opposite of what you have in mind. And ask yourself, can you argue with your reflection? You can't even touch.

I'm not sure where i'm going with this. I have this feeling inside that i want to let out but can't quite figure out how to sentence them. Too much is happening and i hate the fact that i can't do anything about it. 

Semalam adelah hari yang sangat emosi bagi aku. Sebab semalam aku terbaca cerita yang sangat mengharukan. Cerita simple je, pasal keluarga yang nak pergi bercuti. Walaupun keluarga ni susah, ayah oku, rumah pun tak lengkap tapi ada kebahagian dalam keluarga, tu yang penting kan? Imagine, kalau seorang isteri sanggup bawak motor roda 3 dengan suami dan anak-anak dalam tong yang bersambung sebelah motor, betapa sayang dan cintanya die pada suami kan? Ni lah orang panggil susah senang bersama-sama. Anak-anak pun, walaupun tak semudah orang lain..tapi sanggup bersusah payah nak luangkan masa dengan keluarga. Siap ada 2 lagi anak perempuan kayuh basikal, tak muat dah nak naik motor..family besar. Bukan dekat, dalam 20 km lah perjalanan diorang. Bayangkan lah penat dengan panasnya. Motor pun..tayar dah nak rosak dah, nasib baik la ada orang tolong. Mengharukan sangat, aku menangis macam nak gila. A bit of sedih, a bit of gembira..a bit of frustration. Lama aku fikir. lama aku hayati kisah diorang. Sangat inspiring.

Imposible

You know, its impossible to live in a perfect world. Dunia ni memang penuh dengan ketidak sempurnaan, sebab yang tak sempurna tu lah ujian untuk kita. There are reasons behind this imperfection. To see who dare to make a change? Maybe..among other reasons. Allah je yang tahu. 

My interpretation of a perfect world, is a world where everyone share everything. Well, by everything i mean yang halal lah. Nak share isteri ke tak boleh lah kan, you know what i mean. Semua orang berusaha nak kejar kejayaan. Semua orang nak hidup mewah. Although macam mana kita nak spend kemewahan tu tak sama, but in the end semua orang nak hidup senang..atleast hidup selesa. Aku bayangkan kalau semua orang kongsi kemewahan masing-masing, mesti tak ada orang susah, tak ada orang kebulur..semua orang sederhana je. Kan seronok, kita tak payah tengok orang lain suffer.

The setback. How about achievements? Orang kata kalau kita tak ada drive untuk compete manusia takkan berkembang, macam teori evolusi darwin - the survival of the fittest. Kalau kesenangan hidup terlalu senang nak dicapai, manusia akan jadi terlalu selesa dan berhenti berusaha. Nanti manusia akan terbahagi kepada dua kumpulan - kumpulan orang yang kerja kuat dan kumpulan orang yang tak buat apa-apa. Sooner or later semua orang akan give up dan end up doing nothing. In a way it is true. Ada orang memang suka ambil jalan mudah. Tapi dalam dunia yang sempurna, bagi aku tak akan ada orang sambil lewa. Dunia yang sempurna akan penuh dengan orang yang sentiasa berusaha Lillahitaala. Dunia sempurna apel : semua orang berusaha demi Allah dan semua orang berkongsi. Hah i dream a dream.

Demi Allah

Tulah nawaitu yang paling sempurna sekali kan? Kalau semua orang tanamkan benda tu dalam diri masing-masing, dunia akan jadi lebih baik..negara kita akan jadi lebih baik. Tapi walau apa pun, apa yang  berlaku dekat dunia ni bukan kuasa kita. Sebab kita tak tau apa sangat pun pasal dunia ni. Jadi the best solution kita buat yang terbaik dan berserah pada Allah jelah. 

" If we could change ourselves, the tendencies in the world would also change. 
As a man changes his own nature, so does the attitude of the world change towards him. … 
We need not wait to see what others do " - Ghandi

We can either grief or respond. My whole life, from now on..if someday somehow i am able to be great, to be wealthy..i promise to give back to the world. Doakan kejayaan aku ye :)

Haritu aku tengok video How it Should Have Ended pasal LOTR. If you really know me then you know lah how a die hard fan i am of that movies. I even ordered a custom made LOTR totes bag, gila fandom betul. Tapi comel la beg tu..hehe Jadi bila orang kata cerita tu stupid dan tak make sense....eh eh suka hati je. Rase nak marah. But then nak emo pasal movie kenapa kan? Aku pun fikir dan fikir dan makin aku fikir makin aku suka cerita ni.

1. Hobbits

This is a story about the little things, the little people. That is why the main characters are hobbits. Hobbits are simple creature. They love nature and foods and cigars and they live far from civilization because they love the simpleness of their life style. Hobbits are a symbol or harmonious living, people who are one with nature. Although Hobbits don't really exist, but there are people who live like them. They are minorities, small in numbers and often seems insignificant to others. This is a story about them. 

2. The dark lord

Sauron for me is a symbol of greed. As far as i know, Tolkien wrote these books during world war and i think the dark lord represent the greed of certain leaders who got carried away by the wave of industrialization. Orcs/Urukhai represent people who used to be wise, had a normal life but are tortured and forced to follow their leader until the greed and hate somehow become part of them too and they became tools.

3. The fellowship

The fellowship consist of all kind of creatures which are Elf, Human, Wizard, Dwarf and Hobbit who uncommonly works together and some often are enemies. These people represent the diversity of human race. We have our differences: Our culture, language, how we live, what we strive for and our beliefs are not always similar. We love and hate different things and we argue among ourselves. But when our world is in danger, we have the strength to look over our differences and become friends. We protect each other. Although the fellowship is a very small group of people, but in reality, only a small group of different people are willing to overcome hate and fight for the truth.

There are many ways of how the Ring could end up in Mount Doom. But i love how the story focused on the hardship of people who believes, how it keep on reminding us about the power of hope and the strength of men. Those who seems so insignificant..so small..could carry the burden and the fate of the whole world. But without the help of friends, they  may not be able to achieve anything. Although it might not be the actual thoughts of Tolkien while he was writing it, but i like to think that it is. I think its beautiful.

So..its been awhile since i wrote here. Main reason is, well basically its because there is nothing to write about..until recently. I went to a wedding/mini reunion, i embarked on a journey of mystery with a handsome British dragon and a hobbit..Sherlock, yes. And while writing this, i am actually reading it in his voice with that very familiar comedic background music in my head. Safe to say, i am addicted, in a special kind of way. Everytime i found a movie, or a tv series that i really like, i would be extremely attached to it. My inner geek is coming out from its shell. There is nothing anyone, even myself can do about it. I know, i have to admit my adorableness. I was born this way. 

I want to write more but no. So thats all for now. Good day.

forest

deep in the darkness she saw what they did

they took all the life that, that he use to breathe

oh how she cried she cried all the way

to see all the life goes away

when the last light of the moon sleeps to day

all the wet tears on her cheek dries to pain

the warmth of the light of the love touch her face

then all of her pain disappear