Tuesday, December 1, 2015

brief update

I wanna let everyone know that my nightmare is not over yet. Eh tapi takdelah nightmare sangat pun, macam tak baik pulak cakap ujiaan ni as nightmare kan? huhu..Anyhow, the news is, my complete (missed) miscarriage has now upgraded into incomplete miscarriage.

Masa dekat hospital (HSAJB) doktor kata rahim aku dah back to normal dan semua kandungan dah keluar. Tapi 3 hari lepas, masa otw balik dari kampung aku bleeding heavy, sangat heavy, lencun lah senang cerita. Sorry kalau terlebih grafik, huhu. Jadi kitorang pergi klinik pakar untuk cek dan rupa-rupanya masih ada baki uri dan janin dalam rahim. Aku ok masa doktor bagitahu, terkejut sikit tapi masih ok..sebab masa tahu gugur dulu aku dah sediakan diri untuk semua possibilities. Tapi mama tak, so dia kecoh sikit depan doktor. Nasib baik aku cool, aku macam, "mama..mama tak boleh macam ni, mama kena rileks." haha

Aku bagitau doktor yang kalau boleh aku nak elak operation, dia faham then bagi aku ubat. Dekat plastik tak bagi nama ubat tapi aku rasa misoprostol kot, kot lah. Bleeding dah stop lepas malam kelmarin walaupun aku continue makan ubat as prescripted. Mengharap punca pendarahan berhenti sebab rahim dah normal. Esok malam aku akan scan balik, dan berdoalah dengan aku yang semua nya dah selesai. Pray for me please..i want to avoid the operation so badly. Mesti mama lagi tak keruan kalau aku kena buat operation. haih..aku ok je. Eh c'mon lah..aku berani dan cool kot.heheh

ok end of post, "brief" lah sangat kan? haha..writting from my tablet, and with that info, i'm wishing you all good night. Soft reminder, pray for me ok? :)

Thursday, November 26, 2015

Music feed: Tidurlah

" Malam masih panjang
kedinginan masih berlingkar
terdetik hati untuk merintih
melaungkan sepi
jadi bara hangatkan diri "

Tidurlah - Payung Teduh

Akhirnya malam tiba juga 
Malam yang kunantikan sejak awal 
Malam yang menjawab akhir kita 
Inikah akhir yang kita ciptakan 

 Dan pagi takkan terisi lagi 
Lonceng bertingkah sebagaimana mestinya 
Membangunkan orang tanpa membagi 
Sedikit asmara untuk memulai hari 

Tidurlah Malam terlalu malam 
Tidurlah Pagi terlalu pagi

Wednesday, November 18, 2015

pregnancy nightmare

♥ assalamualaikum 

The news of my pregnancy travelled fast, well what do you expect. I shared the good news to a handful of my girlfriends and the next few days it seemed like everyone knew. Haha I guess my friends are quite a gossip. But thats ok, although i do plan on keeping it low until second trimester, its nice to know that friends and family are praying for my well being. And since almost everyone already knew, why not make a blogpost about it right?

If you read my previous post, you might already knew that i am constantly in a worried state. Scared that my body will reject my pregnancy or my baby will just refuse to grow. Maybe i didn't really mention it in my writings, literally, but that is what i felt. But i always prayed for the best, whenever i'm feeling down, scared, or worrying excessively, i turn to Allah and i'll feel good afterwards. However, Allah knows best. That fear and the feeling of unease that i'd been having lately is a sign..i guess i have a strong instinct. I had a missed miscarriage on my 12th week of pregnancy. 

I'm sharing this for mothers and future mothers out there. If you're experiencing or had experienced a miscarriage, i'm sorry..i truly am. Its a painful experience but us woman are strong and we can take on anything. Yes, yes we can. Girl power! 

The chronology 

My husband and i were kinda active that week, (err you know what i mean). So when i had a very light cut-like bleeding the next day, i thought, maybe its because of that activity (you know)..because i read somewhere that our private area are soft and sensitive during pregnancy. But still, i was shaking..extremely terrified and my eyes are already teary. My husband was at work so i decided to go to a private clinic and just have a scan. I read a lot about how common it is to have light bleeding during pregnancy, but you know me, i need to hear it from the doctor's mouth and see (scan my tummy) everything is alright.

The clinic was on their lunch break so i went home, called my husband and he came straight home then we went to the clinic together. We told ourselves that we worry too much and it was nothing, everything is fine and well. So when we finally had a scan, while expecting everything to be ok..then suddenly all we saw on the monitor was an empty sac, the room went silent. I stared the monitor and i felt my husband's arm on my shoulder..a soft yet a strong hold on me. The doctor can't even made a complete sentence, she just said sorry..and i knew what she meant. She explained a little, gave us a letter and refered us to the hospital. I don't think i have to tell you how much i cried that can imagine it yourself. The first few days are torture, especially at night..those sleepless nights. *sigh* But don't worry, i am much much better now. I have a strong heart you know, and i am a strong believer of Allah. So no worry, i can smile and laugh now :) This is when a funny husband comes in handy, even just looking at his face would make me laugh..haha My funny and adorably handsome hero.

The next day we went to HSA, and after checking, scanning and everything, the doc made an appointment for us to meet the gynecologist in 2 weeks. I was better prepared this time, physically and mentally. I can ask questions to doctors without feeling bad about myself, we even had a little laugh when i forgot my wedding date, silly me. Anyhow, it turns out the fetus is there, its not missing or disappeared mysteriously. My theory is my previous scanner machine (idk the technical name haha) is just not strong enough, or emm not advanced enough to see it. According to the doctor it stop growing at week 10..and she said there is nothing wrong with my uterus. No sign of cyst or fibroid or anything thats a big relief. They gave us a choice, whether to let it out naturally or have a minor operation to make sure everything is out, D&C. We decided to have the operation, which is tomorrow.

Hoping everything to be well and easy for me, pray for me would you? Its nothing risky but it is a new experience for me. Kinda scary when you don't know what to expect, no matter how much you read about it..but i tried to be as prepared as i can. I'll update later on the D&C and maybe write more about my whole miscarriage thingy. Hey, i might even write a book. Hahaha Good night, wish me luck :)