pregnancy nightmare

Wednesday, November 18, 2015

♥ assalamualaikum 

The news of my pregnancy travelled fast, well what do you expect. I shared the good news to a handful of my girlfriends and the next few days it seemed like everyone knew. Haha I guess my friends are quite a gossip. But thats ok, although i do plan on keeping it low until second trimester, its nice to know that friends and family are praying for my well being. And since almost everyone already knew, why not make a blogpost about it right?

If you read my previous post, you might already knew that i am constantly in a worried state. Scared that my body will reject my pregnancy or my baby will just refuse to grow. Maybe i didn't really mention it in my writings, literally, but that is what i felt. But i always prayed for the best, whenever i'm feeling down, scared, or worrying excessively, i turn to Allah and i'll feel good afterwards. However, Allah knows best. That fear and the feeling of unease that i'd been having lately is a sign..i guess i have a strong instinct. I had a missed miscarriage on my 12th week of pregnancy. 

I'm sharing this for mothers and future mothers out there. If you're experiencing or had experienced a miscarriage, i'm sorry..i truly am. Its a painful experience but us woman are strong and we can take on anything. Yes, yes we can. Girl power! 

The chronology 

My husband and i were kinda active that week, (err you know what i mean). So when i had a very light cut-like bleeding the next day, i thought, maybe its because of that activity (you know)..because i read somewhere that our private area are soft and sensitive during pregnancy. But still, i was shaking..extremely terrified and my eyes are already teary. My husband was at work so i decided to go to a private clinic and just have a scan. I read a lot about how common it is to have light bleeding during pregnancy, but you know me, i need to hear it from the doctor's mouth and see (scan my tummy) everything is alright.

The clinic was on their lunch break so i went home, called my husband and he came straight home then we went to the clinic together. We told ourselves that we worry too much and it was nothing, everything is fine and well. So when we finally had a scan, while expecting everything to be ok..then suddenly all we saw on the monitor was an empty sac, the room went silent. I stared the monitor and i felt my husband's arm on my shoulder..a soft yet a strong hold on me. The doctor can't even made a complete sentence, she just said sorry..and i knew what she meant. She explained a little, gave us a letter and refered us to the hospital. I don't think i have to tell you how much i cried that can imagine it yourself. The first few days are torture, especially at night..those sleepless nights. *sigh* But don't worry, i am much much better now. I have a strong heart you know, and i am a strong believer of Allah. So no worry, i can smile and laugh now :) This is when a funny husband comes in handy, even just looking at his face would make me laugh..haha My funny and adorably handsome hero.

The next day we went to HSA, and after checking, scanning and everything, the doc made an appointment for us to meet the gynecologist in 2 weeks. I was better prepared this time, physically and mentally. I can ask questions to doctors without feeling bad about myself, we even had a little laugh when i forgot my wedding date, silly me. Anyhow, it turns out the fetus is there, its not missing or disappeared mysteriously. My theory is my previous scanner machine (idk the technical name haha) is just not strong enough, or emm not advanced enough to see it. According to the doctor it stop growing at week 10..and she said there is nothing wrong with my uterus. No sign of cyst or fibroid or anything thats a big relief. They gave us a choice, whether to let it out naturally or have a minor operation to make sure everything is out, D&C. We decided to have the operation, which is tomorrow.

Hoping everything to be well and easy for me, pray for me would you? Its nothing risky but it is a new experience for me. Kinda scary when you don't know what to expect, no matter how much you read about it..but i tried to be as prepared as i can. I'll update later on the D&C and maybe write more about my whole miscarriage thingy. Hey, i might even write a book. Hahaha Good night, wish me luck :)

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